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When you find a unicorn... ...don't tell anyone, or it will disappear. I miss "us" ...I never needed all the fuss, just you. Beautiful you. Cynical you. Intelligent, quiet, contemplative, highly debative... you. With behaviours and standards... wow.. You set the bar so high for yourself, and you didn't have to. The decent from that high mountaintop you took me to was painful and confusing at times... I was constantly wondering what I did to deserve it, 'since you kept saying everything was fine. I thought we were working thru things, and there was so little even then.. we never fought, and I've always understood your behaviour, even when I didn't like it. I never yelled at you... I sometimes teased. I mostly just asked questions. You asked me to tell you when something seemed amiss. Honestly, that was hardly ever... It hurts that you felt like you had to eliminate me to be "free" or whatever you consider yourself to be, now. It hurts, because I asked for so little, and we are so very alike socially, I don't understand why being "with" someone or not matters. I never even wanted the . but I accepted it; I accepted that you were afraid you would lose me to another, as you said - possessiveness...in the public-status kind of way... I did not show it to you first, you showed it to me, and I didn't mind, I did not feel "owned" because I knew you respected me and we had trust, like I felt for you . but all the same, the you gave me showed possession, and I did not ask for it, and I want you to remember that. All I ever did was try to follow your lead. Just you...when it worked out... that was all I wanted. Everything else was just details. It really was in the stars... All the same, as much sense as things do make now, as much as I do understand your need to shake off what you chose to perceive as a restraint, as a tie that bound... I know in my heart that there is an alternate universe where things are different - a different reality has played out and we are happy adventuring together, doing all of the things we talked about. It makes me crazy and I try not to let it... that's why I'm writing this... I can't talk to you any more about it, but it is still maddening... as maddening as ever it was before we got together. I feel at fault, though you say that I am not. I don't know what I did. I tried to join in the fun with your friends, sometimes. I never stopped being myself, open, saucy, sassy. I don't know why you felt like you had to. You didn't. It hurts that I wasn't enough for you, when I felt like we were just getting started having fun. So much to explore together and learn and see and do. To share. I hope I can still share some amazing experiences with you. In whatever way. I don't know many people with even half your good traits. I just wish you would see me in that positive light again, like you used to. I know for sure that I miss "us" and I wish I could change things. It just hurts. So much. I'm trying to cope the very best I know how but no one did for me what you did. The pain keeps coming, in waves. I'm just processing it, letting it move through me. I had so much faith in us... I still do, though it is in a different way, now, of course. I hope we can always be in eachother's lives, I believe that we can and I value what we have dearly. But I want you to see me for who and what I am, too. I can see your blinding bright light and your very deep dark.. I love all of it, though I always hope that you feel light, and not dark. Glad and not heavy. And that love will never change. I just want you to be ok, and happy. I feel like you will never understand what I really have for you, who and what I am... or maybe you are incapable of accepting it.. but I hope the best for you, always. Be good to yourself. Know that when the lights fall from the sky, I am wishing on them, thinking happy thoughts for you (among the many other things I think about, while looking up). squeak, squeak... there, I said it. At least some of what I wish I felt like I could say to you, and not freak you out. I don't feel like you are objective with me at all, anymore, and I wish as friends we could talk about this... because it does still hurt me, and I don't trust anyone I know to hold my reality in their heads or hearts any more. But you said what you had to say to me, it seemed... so talking more about it is a futile exercise to you and I understand that. My feelings and fallout are mine to deal with. I'm doing my best. Trying to laugh, and see the bright side, enjoy the wild ride. People ask me about us, and I have so little to say. It's not their right to know. So I'm writing it down, rolling it up and putting in an empty rum bottle and out to the digital sea. Maybe someone else is in a similar situation and can understand, maybe it will help. Maybe a stranger will think a happy thought for me and my hurting heart. Who knows. But I miss us. I look forward to the day when I don't hurt any more. I know that it will come. And we can still rock lives together, just not like we were. Broken hearts are, after all, for assholes ;]

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